So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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