Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she peed on how many people?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
