Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
