No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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