did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
