Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Farmville is her only friend.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
