he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
