I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
