Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
