he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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