remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
