I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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