i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize