margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
