Who did Billy Mays play for?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
