So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
