so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
