I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
