Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
