You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize