Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Terrible idea I love it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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