Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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