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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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