i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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