one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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