dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
