Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
