how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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