I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
