It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Randomize
