Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
