I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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