How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
this boner is exhausting
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize