heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
