Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Houston, we have a squirter
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
