wat bout pragnant strippers??
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
