dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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