I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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