I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
