I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
