Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
