the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
