i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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