I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize