The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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