Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
