Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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