Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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