The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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