i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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