Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
