I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
