Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
