I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
