I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
