Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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