Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize