No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
