i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You are a genius and a whore.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
