Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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